but there are things i do not know.

my school therapist, mitchell, says that he expects me to graduate with a Regents Diploma. he says it is not a unreasonable expectation of me. maybe he's dead wrong. i don't know.

i haven't written in this diary in a while. i feel like this diary has been a sufficient containment for my sadness and anguish. i have suffered much. depression is under-estimated. i have almost committed suicide innumerable times. people looking at me would never know. that is something i have learned. people do not know your soul just by looking at you. they actually know nothing. they place you in their idea of what an average person should be. happy, complacent, quiet.

sometimes i wanted them to know. sometimes i could not leave the house because of the shame. in 2004 i quit school in March. this school year i was out for five months. happiness i cyclic and unpredictable, as is sadness.

they say i will struggle with this for the rest of my life. maybe that's true. perhaps i will prove them wrong.

who knows...