i guess i just expected a friendship, a normal friendship, to be more fulfilling... and maybe it was. maybe i'm just mislead and ungrateful. i mean, how many friends am -i- going to make, anyway?

i'm really depressed. i feel empty and dead. i'll always be alone. and i don't want to mislead Percia into thinking that if she goes into the hospital i'll be waiting to have this beautiful relationship with her when she gets out. because it's not gonna work out. i am a loner. i have always been one.

recently my mother said to me, "amanda, a young person knows they should seek a life partner with the ultimate goal of getting married if they... you know, lust after the opposite sex. some kids never do... feel that urge."
i guess that means me. i mean, i've never ever been really aroused or anything. i mean i've been horny but... never like yearning for sex all the time or anything.
besides. i get tired of people. the only person i love relatively consistantly is my mother. and that's because she's my mom.

inside i'm so twisted and warped and black and ugly. just as ugly as my outside. hideous. i tore off all my black rubber bracelets. who am i kidding? i am not alterna-Goth. and my ankh necklace i've been wearing? the ankh symbol means "life." fuck that.

my heart is aching. i hate myself.