amanda's stupid daily drivel.

i guess i should start by saying that i have been overweight for most of my life. in first grade i wanted so badly to have friends but by midyear it occurred to me that they weren't speaking to me because i didn't look like them. i wasn't huge or anything. just chubby. but they were such thin girls and would look at me with such malice in their faces. so hateful, for being so young. now i think i am predestined to be 'plus-size', no matter what weight i may be. it's just in my family. it's just the way things are. but when i was in fourth-grade, it hit me that i was gaining so much more weight than the other children because i was eating constantly. i remember i was sitting in my living room finishing off a box of cheese its and thinking, 'you know, i don't think i have any control over this.' in the summer after seventh grade, my grandma convinced me to join LA Weight Loss with her. my first weigh-in, i was 230.1 pounds. so skinny compared to now... anyway, i lost thirty pounds, my lowest weight was 201.4 pounds. i remember the day my little diet all went to hell. my grandma had just taken me to Wendy's for one of their salads, and dropped me off at home. when i got there, my mom had gotten chinese food. "i just ate, mom," i told her. but she told me it wouldn't matter to splurge that one time. so i ate and ate. and the next morning i had a big omelet with four slices of toast. definitely not on the LA Weight Loss plan. so i never went to the LA Weight Loss place again. i was so ashamed. but i didn't care at the same time. just recently i have started hearing a little about Binge Eating and complusive overeating. but they're just words to me. i still believe i'm just morbidly obese because i'm pathetic. i don't have the heart to say how much i weigh now. it's not like 400 pounds or anything, but it's pretty bad. so this is what i have going on on top of my depression and trying to stop self-injuring. i know i'm disgusting. so hideous. i hate myself.