i have given up all hope. not that it was ever simple, but it's as simple as me saying, "no, i will not be dragged along to various people and fed all kinds of medications anymore. i am tired. this has to end somewhere."

i have gone to the alternative school long enough to prove to them that i have tried. and nothing. i will probably keep going, keep plugging away just so i can focus my existance on something, but...

this is all very sad to me. i thought somehow something might work out for me. i'm a fucking pussy. in real life i will not be able to whine like this. i don't see myself as an adult. i don't see hope anywhere. and i've been looking for a while.

this is all stupid drivel to anyone who reads this. i'm just a whiner. i'm not even entertaining anymore. i'm trying to stop cutting so i can show my fat, scarred arms to the world when it gets hot outside.

not only is there no hope for me, people insist on HURTING me by telling me i'm smart and beautiful and talented and i know they're just pitying my hideousness. my therapist would say, "amanda, are you sure that isn't just negative self-talk?"

YES I'M SURE. there is nothing out there. no one wants to help me. no one knows how much this is eating away at me. YES. FUCKING EATING AWAY AT -ME- BEING THE FUCKING FATTY I AM. IT ATE THROUGH THE LARD COATING AND IS ON IT'S WAY TO THE ROTTED CORE!!!

i'm so pitiful. but don't pity me. just throw big, heavy rocks. that way they won't be able to say it was a suicide.