i couldn't go. i had so many bad dreams last night. they're only bad dreams, right? suck it up?

i dreamed that i was in the lunchroom at school and the police came and took me away and the voices laughed. i dreamed i was in Pinefield institution and my wrists were torn open so they put me in restraints in this room with a glass wall, and all the girls on my ward pressed their faces to the glass, looking in, watching me bleed. i dreamed my first grade best friend was supposed to somehow help me, but she just shook her head and stared at me.

i cut last night. i broke a eye pencil sharpener and used that little blade. none of the cuts are very deep. a few will scar, then fade. they always do. i guess i'm not suicidal anymore. i mean, i can survive this unhappily. i can deal. as long as i take my meds and don't cut that much, nobody really cares how i am. but... it's okay. i've known it all along.