any day the school is supposed to call so we can set up my schedule and such. my mom thinks this is the beginning of the end of my depression. i disagree. i think it's the beginning of the end... of me. i feel dead.

i don't expect this school to be great and to make friends and all that. i don't know if i am capable of any kind of relationship any more. in my constant isolation in the past months my being has simply drained away. it's like the opposite of the sun fading something. my pain growing more profound as i wither in the darkness.

yesterday i wanted to cut down the length of the vein in my left wrist. just a deep, cleansing, swipe. no turning back. no half-assed attempt. no way would i let them tuck me away into Pinefield institution and just forget about me again. final. decisive.
ultimate.

but the urge passed. i could never do that to my mother. i love her so much. she's all i have... she's the only one who's always there for me. yesterday she told me she was proud of me, and i asked her why. there was nothing i could have done that she can conceivably be proud of. but she simply said, "cause you're my girl."