i am pathetic. i disgust myself. i will always be unhappy. i keep saying, "i will make self-improvements once i am no longer depressed." well, i guess i'm going to be this way forever because i will always be depressed. the medications don't work, i have no one, and i am alone.
of course, i kind of suspected that this is the way it would end up. ever since i was a little girl i've had dark thoughts of an early death. i'm not going to commit suicide. i just know that if there is any kind of mercy out there, if God indeed loves his children, i will be out of my misery soon.
because what am i going to hope for after Christmas? where will i place my faith once the crumpled wrapping paper has been stuffed into black garbage bags and egg nog fades off store shelves?
then, predicably, true Winter will set in. roaring, icy wind; deep powdery snow; long, solitary, dark days. and to think, winter is my favorite season...
