amanda's stupid daily drivel.

i feel like i'm floating, but also dead, like a body in a lake. great reference, huh? whoo hoo. i hate myself. i really do. i was looking through mine and my brother's childhood photo albums and every time i came to a picture of myself... i am so afraid of going back to the hospital. back to the institution. i would just die. every time i think of how lonely and helpless i felt while i was there i get really depressed. and on friday when i saw my therapist she said that she couldn't promise they wouldn't send me back to the hospital. they said (in a nutshell), "you aren't as bad off as you were. in fact, it is our opinion that your doing much better. so unless you get to that low point again, i wouldn't worry about going back to the asylum." but i worry anyway.
as i mentioned above, when i think of how helpless and alone i was at Pinefield Institution, i get very depressed. i'm not suicidal anymore but i feel like life is just a long, endless chore. my therapist told me that when the thoughts come into my head, they're not my fault, but it's my responsibility to change them. or at least make a conscious effort to. i feel like i can't trust her anymore. i feel like i can't trust anyone anymore. and i cannot cry.
i am tempted to just say, 'no one loves me, no one cares about me.' but it's not true. and in accepting that i have to... realize that the people who love me are not perfect. i want to cry.