i woke up and forced food down my throat this morning with absolutely no idea that it was September 11th. i feel so numb, it's just like, what's a few thousand people who died 3 years ago? i mean, what am i supposed to do? just a few more people who want something outta me, trying to take my life-force, trying to get at me somehow. i'm such a worthless, selfish bitch. killing me would be the kindest thing anyone could do for me.
my mother said to me a few days ago, "amanda, if you killed yourself, it would wreck my life." so all my suicidal fantasies are tainted with my mother's potential pain. and i can't lie to myself; tell myself i wouldn't hurt her if i did kill myself. but i can hoard Nyquil, and i can dream sweet suicide dreams, and think cold self-destructive thoughts. no one can get in my head, and believe me, i'm already dying.
