suicide is the only realistic consideration. i can't function mindlessly anymore. my brain hurts. i won't self-injure anymore because the lines are too parallel to killing myself. i want to cut and destroy what i have become. my mother called me very cowardly. she showed me last year's school picture and said that that girl wouldn't give up like i do. she said that my former self would try and not just give up. i informed her that my former self is dead. there are no retreats; no bridges. i wonder if hell will be better than this. and if i should muster up the balls to take my own life, goodbye in advance.