i've been talking to my therapist about how my inner self instantly punishes me or puts me back in line when i think i'm starting to feel "better" or... something to that effect. so i was right. i have been playing against myself this whole time. no one wanted to put it that simply but i know that's what it really is.

my brain hurts from trying to start writing again. it's all crap. i can't think; i don't have any inspiration or anything. probably because i'm not reading like i was. but... i don't know if that's all of it.

lately i've been wanting to crawl into the shower, turn off the lights and stand under the lukewarm water for hours. i've tried it. to steal a phrase from Stephen King, it's like a wet closet.

my therapist also said she thinks i'm afraid to take risks. i am. i guess i'm afraid to do so much as read a new book. anything i've read lately is just being re-read.

i'm gonna start cutting myself again soon. i can feel it.