you were the best friend i had. i never got sick of you. i could actually delude myself of your faults and shortcomings. but now i see them, and it makes me want to kill myself. if by some abysmal chance you ever come across this page online, i want you to know that.

your thefts that i know of (stolen from me)- $20, my antique spoon ring, my anti-depressants, my $50 birthday money, countless sums you've "borrowed"... i hate you. and i hate myself because i hate you. you stupid bitch! you cheat on your boyfriend, you talk behind your other friend's backs, in the past you've made my life hell and talked behind mine... you've given me a thousand reasons to hate you and i was too stupid to see them. do you understand that? it was my fault. i let you do those things. i let you steal my prized possessions. i let you sleep with your adopted older brother. i let you be the self-detroying druggie you are. it's all my fault, you pitiful whore! it's all my fault! and you think i'm just saying that to say it.

you think all this means everything to me, but also that i'll forget about it all tomorrow. when i envision your face in my mind, i want to cut up my veins and die. do you hear me alysia? everything i hate about myself all comes back to me when i see your face. i can't believe i let you do what you've done all these years. and you know what that sad thing is? i don't have the fucking balls to call you up and tell you all of this. do you know what that would do for me? if you gave all my money back, do you know how much better i would feel? you were my last tie to sanity, alysia. no i'm gone with the goddamn winds of craziness JUST BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T ACT HUMAN FOR FIVE FUCKING SECONDS.

you can't apologize for this type of thing. it's been six years of heaven and hell. bi-polar madness and it's all my fault. do me a favor and don't call me anymore. i pity you, and that's what kills me. you said once that i'm the only reason you don't kill yourself. well... you don't even have me now, honey. you don't even have me.