nyriad's Diaryland
Diary
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today is the day your life will surely change
my name is amanda. remember me? i have not updated in a very long time.
i will be going to Cornell after getting my associate's degree. i want to study forensic psychology.
i have been getting straight A's. i am almost universally liked. i respect myself. i am very smart. i write a lot. i have nice eyes and lips. i have a good sense of style. i have a cool cell phone. a good family. two bunnies. we'll be getting a new puppy for Easter because Sally died in January. Miss her. She was sixteen.
But for all the success and progression i can say that i still have disturbed thoughts. tics. suicidal fantasies and paranoid episodes and close calls where i nearly chase some guy down in the mall and bitch him out because he coughed when he walked by me (HOW DARE HE FUCKING SAY I'M UGLY AND FAT FUCKER I WILL TEAR HIM A NEW ONE DIE DIE COME HERE BITCH I WILL SHOW YOU JUST HOW-)... yeah. still working on those things.
I guess I am trying to find a filler for all the holes left by the parasites when they pulled out and moved on... I go shopping every weekend with mom to buy shampoo and stupid clearance stuff i do not need so i will feel that i accomplished something. that i have something to show for my weekend. it is an unspoken understanding. i do not spend that much.
i paint my nails with obsessive regularity. gotta remove the polish tonight. need to paint them a dark color this time.
i have not read a book since the fall of '06. I mean, a real book. Not a catalog or issue of Jane or book of Gary Larson comics. reading always makes me want to get out that retarded pad of paper and write down all my refuse and ideas. it makes me tired. i have so many words in my head. when i talk to mom about everyday things, EVERYTHING seems to come out. talk talk talk until my head is sore from furrowing my brow and forming my mouth around words of indignation and sorrow and anger.
am i beautiful to you now?
3:22 p.m. - 2007-03-23
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